schedules don't work for me!

autistic rigidity and acceptance

every time i try to build a healthy schedule and stick to the same plan, it all falls apart. my brain shuts off as soon as i look at the list of things i need to do, or even think about it.

my autistic brain is very rigid, so it is naturally drawn to making lists of things to do and attempting to follow them. unfortunately, my autistic brain is also prone to getting overwhelmed extremely easily, thus erasing the list from my mind immediately to avoid freaking out.

instead, i opt to do the things that will most benefit and help me off the top of my mind, aside from a few actually scheduled important things (brushing teeth and taking meds, for example).

with my autistic brain also being prone to hyperfixations, i notice that these top-of-my-head routines seem to follow a pattern, where i will be doing a certain set of things every morning and night for a few weeks and then change into doing another different set of things since the first set of things gets tired out, and so on. for a few weeks, i will wake up at 8 am to eat oatmeal and tea and do jumping jacks every morning, and i will play on my nintendo and read before i sleep at 11. then for a few weeks, i will wake up at 11 am eat canned soup and kombucha and watch videos every morning, and i will make art and play piano before i sleep at 2 am. it’s important to note, that even within these “sets” there are variations and these are still not distinct schedules that hold for longer than a few weeks once my brain loses interest.

because of the rigidity in my autistic brain, this comes with a lot of intention and acceptance for it to really work. for a long time, and even now still sometimes, i have tried to go against my natural tendency to just do what feels good and have what feels good change every once in a while. i so badly want to have the same routine every day no matter what, and i struggle with the change that seems to naturally happen for me. however, every time i have tried to force the “perfect” routine, make the perfect list of things to do every morning and night forever, it has only led to extreme burnout, meltdowns, shutdowns, and more.

when i notice that i am losing interest in doing something anymore, instead of shaming myself for it and trying to force myself to keep doing it anyways, i tell myself “that’s okay, what would you like to do differently now? we can come back to this again in the future.” not only does this help with an almost exposure therapy aspect of just going with what feels right even when another part of my mind is screaming at me, and being gentle with myself during it, but this also helps decrease the urgency my brain has to do things now or else i might “lose” it. i have to remind myself that i am doing these things for my own benefit and enjoyment, and there’s no shame in picking things up again in the future, even if it’s farther in the future than what’s expected.

this is still a huge process and i still get stuck in these shame cycles of feeling like something is wrong with me, or why can’t i just stick to one routine. the human experience is extremely diverse, despite what everything online might show you, and not everyone can hold to one perfect routine forever.

if you’re dealing with something similar and can’t find yourself holding onto one routine, i encourage you to fight back against the urge to shame yourself and force yourself, and think about where that is really coming from. is it coming from family, who drilled into your brain that you need to do these sets of things every morning and night? is it coming from the internet, where you see so many people showing off their morning and night time routines? is it coming from your own rigid thinking, where change is something scary and to be avoided?

accepting the diversity of the human experience and our neurodivergences is extremely important for living as happy of a life as these people project. just because we live differently, does not mean we are worse off or that we need to conform to what they think is best. take baby steps, and try to free yourself from these strict, every day routines, if you feel that they are doing more harm than good.

the only routine you need is what is taking care of you and preparing you for the rest of the day or night. that means the only specific things that you should be following every time could be things like taking your medication, eating, taking care of your pet, and trying to brush your teeth at least once. of course, nobody is showing off their perfect routine if it only consists of a few basic living needs.

you are capable of living a less stressful life through acceptance. the rest is up to you. do you feel like drawing this morning? maybe going on a run? or maybe doing nothing at all and just relaxing? do you feel like watching a movie tonight, or working on writing, or playing some games?